Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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