Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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