highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
