I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
