You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
