I wish my penis had an off switch
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
