I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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