someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize