I showed him my bush... on skype.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
