apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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