He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
