Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
