Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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