I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
