I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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