Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
this beer tastes like vomit already
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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