i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
