I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
