dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize