I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
