Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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