We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
