i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
