Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
