Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
