I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
