I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize