dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Four minutes until I can fart!
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
