maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
