i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
