You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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