This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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