Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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