I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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