I hate your face
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize