Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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