Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
