The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize