I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
