I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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