So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
