i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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