I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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