Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
