Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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