She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
