so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
