the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
