I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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