Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
