Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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