I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
