Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
