That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
