Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
