I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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