Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize