YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
