who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
