normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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