How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
