Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
