those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize