Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
