you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
