Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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