make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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