So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize